Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
