It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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