The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize