You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
