The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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