I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
