Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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