Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Girls should come with a carfax report
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
