If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
