# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
