I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
