bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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