Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
