I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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