sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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