take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
