If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize