i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I want to be your penis for a week.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
