im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
