So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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