is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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