If that was your dad, he is hot
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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