i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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