Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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