dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
