Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
