rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
