who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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