It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
