enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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