I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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