And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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