please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize
