I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
