I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
