I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize