first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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