Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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