Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
