I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
