i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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