Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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