I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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