its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
