Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
