Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
