first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
