You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
