turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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