the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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