Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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