Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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