your parents love me but you hate me
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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