No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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