Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just puked most of my soul out..
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
