A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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