Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
