you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
