Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
