dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
