Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
