I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
