who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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