Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Its about making memories worth repressing
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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