It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The best revenge is premature balding
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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