My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
