If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
