dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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