Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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