Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
